tbh i really do have no problem with my body like idc im thick ive always been thick and i like it. but like i still feel obligated to lose weight even though im happy w how i look. like im happy w my body but i feel like i shouldn’t? its like even though im fat and happy with myself, i should still try to lose weight? thats how it feels. like loving myself isn’t good enough because everyone still tells me that being fat is bad and its like twisting my self esteem and making me feel guilty for liking myself?? idk if this makes sense im just frustrated
Ahhhh i like felt this whole wave of emotions as this night progressed
like i was feeling really happy in the early evening and i was watching the office and comedy movies and it was great. i facetimed one of my beloved friends and we talked for a couple hours and caught up and it was just so nice.
and then i felt really productive so i watched nick at nite george lopez and made toast and oatmeal using the stove and i got this like huge sugar rush and had an 80s music dance party in my room and learned the choreography for love on top idk why
and then i got hella tired so i went through ppls facebooks and felt all nostalgic and laughed at certain pictures because they evoke such strong memories!! its like that moment is never gone cause its frozen in that picture like damn
and now im laying in my bed cause i cant sleep (surprise) and im looking at ppls posts of them moving away for college and it makes me feel so bittersweet and kinda makes me anticipate moving away
i havent really talked about moving away that much to my friends. like we all know its going to happen but i know that we tailor our conversations to avoid talking about that topic like we brought it up once and we all almost started crying and got really emotional like ahhhhh this is crazy!!
idk im just really scared but excited but also really sad?? ahhhhhh idk
*gets anxiety bc i laugh too loud and i feel like everyone fucking hates me cause i have no volume control*
ive only been 18 for a month but i feel so old and like i see posts of people my age still wanting to party, thinking that drinking til you black out and playing BP is sooo coool like i’m not gonna tell anyone what to do w their life but o mg grow the fuck up!!
life isnt all abt sex and drugs and drinking like i know we’re still young and we gotta hav fun but like havent you seen the world? its become soo competitive that unless you start getting your shit together, youre gonna get eaten by the sharks and like that scares me so much ahhh im really trying to get my life together with college almost starting and i just want to do well you know?
everyones like “omg ur going to ucla you’ll be fine” and im like it doesnt matter what school i go to!!!! its what i make out of it!! and i do really want to make the best out of it and make connections do internships study really hard and get good grades
i just want to keep this motivation to work hard and succeed and lead a fulfilling life like i’ve already worked hard to get where i am now and im not gonna give it up anytime soon
damn bein so frustrated cant even say anything
*makes fake excuses to friends who want to hang out bc i’m too depressed to get out if bed*
i am s0 ugly !!!!!!!! AHHHH !!!
Yo im gonna be honest lately its been so fucking hard to not cut like i think about cutting almost every night and like i actually havent cut but the thought keeps crossing my mind everytime i get sad which is like every day but ahhhhh i dont want to think like its still an option i mean ive been “cut free” for 4 months now but its only bc ive been indulging in other unhealthy outlets like smoking and other shit im not proud of to distract myself and its like ???? if i keep doing unhealthy things like that im technically not self harm free bc all that shit still harms me one way or another ahhh like why cant i escape this cycle of wanting to hurt myself????????
I don’t think people realise how hard it is to re-discover the person you were before depression or even try to remember your own personality